'Happy' Dragon Year

For weeks leading up to this i had been feeling uneasy. there was rage and frustration and lots of anger bubbling up inside. i had cursed loudly a driver who knocked on my side window, lost temper with an office clerk, ignored rudely and old woman beggar and generally felt pissed off at many things.

the year had finally come - my OWN year. one i had waited for a long time.

perhaps it was this anticipation that created this whole misery. i realised that i have not achieved much, do not have a social life, do not have a good family relationship, do not have a career i enjoy and feel proud of, and worst of all do not have a partner.

i had been dreading to go home, yet i had never failed to go home each year so i knew it was something i must do. on the back of all this i also have this uneasy thoughts that this could (god forbid) be my dad's final new year with him being so old.

i delayed my trip to the last few hours, part of it was due to having to clean my apartment to perfection. when i left at around 2pm, the highway was a little congested but it was ok, i actually felt kind of happy driving home.

when i finally reach my house, my mood immediately soured. my bro was already there in his room that i had told my dad to clear before. bro had sold the house to me, i felt like i had paid him more than what was deserved yet he still was squatting there in the master room. i felt great rage, and a sense of injustice.

i proceeded to clean my car and then bro and his wife walked in. they greeted me but i ignored them completely, didn't even look at them. how could they still unashamedly hang around there and walked in like its their own house? i thought it was all over after i paid him the money, i was looking forward to welcome the new year in my 'new' house but it wasn't meant to be. the house although cleaned and painted in some parts did not look that impressive, proof that no one has cared enough about it. i had wanted to come back earlier to decorate it but did not have any time. there were some lights that were not working, there was a huge leak, the porch floor was damaged - it all added to my despair and anger.

the reunion dinner was the shortest i ever had. i almost didn't touch the food and left immediately. i went back to the house and just watched the t.v, heaving and puffing with anger, misery and negativity.

i couldn't sleep so although i was tired i was able to stay awake until midnight came. i turned on all the lights in the house but didn't feel any much happiness, only misery. the two of them walked in just after midnight and walked up to their room, no word spoken by me.

i slept in the living hall, it wasn't comfortable and i was up as early as 7:30. went to greet my parents in the old house. my head was groggy and my forehead felt knotted. i couldn't think straight, there was anger and disgust and great discomfort.

when dad finally spoke and suggested for me to be a little happier i almost lashed out about the source of my misery. told him and ma that i was upset that bro was still in the house. managed to stay calm then suggested to go to the temple with pa.
it was a short visit, pa wasn't seem to be into it anyway.

it was only about 9 am when i left the whole thing. this was supposed to be MY year!

back in kl i sat around in misery and couldn't wait for the day to end. the whole drama was probably an over-reaction but i couldn't help feeling pissed completely. i never wanted to meet anyone from the family anyway, so it could even be a subconscious excuse. i had to refrain from crying, i even felt like ending it all.