lost in the sea of uncertainties

wherever the lord desires me to be, that's where i shall dwell.

the kind of sayings i would tell to console myself if i were some religous dork. but sadly no, the name says pagan.

at my wit's end about what to do here, i'm getting incredibly frustrated and depressed. frankly i don't really remember ever feeling this restless. i feel trapped inside a well i chose to jump into.

so i guess i don't have a perfect life, but this is really agonising. i feel really hopeless - i ain't got what it takes to make it, i never am gonna find someone and i just don't know how to pass the time each day.

the early elation of landing this new job has worn off, it really doesn't change much. i thought it would be a turning point, a ship coming in, but it was just another of those transitions that turn out to be hollow. although i'm in a better position than my previous nightmare, it still isn't rosy, i'm still feeling empty and unfulfilled.

should we re-organise our plans? abandon all these greed and desire to be financially dependent which are taking so much of happiness out of life? grow up, settle down and establish a 9 to 5 routine til the day we fucking die? be less ambitious and more realistic about our capabilities?

where do we go now?

i feel sick of this.