Arrows in my heart

Everything is getting to me… I seem to be angry at everything and everyone around me, sometimes making it very difficult for me to function.

I have had to spend a lot of time calming down, for fear of getting a stroke. I have had lost my temper on the phone, at the restaurants, in the car at the slightest delay and slightest provocation. The other day I was screaming mad on the phone and needed some time to cool down. Not too long after that I went to have a friendly chat with someone and actually felt like I was going to faint. The next day I stood up to an insolent Bangla waiter and for a moment wanted to actually harm him, before walking away. I am really fearful of getting a stroke, or getting involved in a fight or actually getting beat up.

I keep having this rush of blood, some ringing in my ears and sometimes headaches and difficulty breathing.

Most mornings my heart just feels so heavy. Not a single day passes without the thoughts about my parents and how lonely they appear. So many dreams about them dying, that I have even started disbelieving them in my own dreams.
The uncertainty about the job, and overall career, as well as the panic of perhaps never being able to have a good relationship is overwhelming.

There is this new girl I fancy at the office, cute as a button, innocent and soft although not exactly gorgeous. Was thinking of observing her, and finding the perfect time to act, but couldn’t gather enough courage nor reason to speak to her. Then she suddenly has someone and seeing the two of them together in the office just made me sick. She doesn’t appear like someone whom would go for a man like me (and vice versa) but for some reason I just like her. And she is the only one I fancy at the moment.

I need time to rebuild, but this has taken too long, and time moves like a jetplane. I still dont know where im going or what i want to do.

Everything is killing me. There’s just too much uncertainty – jobs, future, sibling, aging parents. Pa is old, not as sprightly as before and speaking like he wont be around for too long. The nightmare question that has been playing in my head for some years now is : what is going to happen to ma once pa is no more? Who is going to look after her? No one seems to want her and being the eldest by default I have to take her with me. That will just wreck my already fragile life.