Over the Hill

Well if dreams can come true, so can nightmares. The tragic day came and went. Another horrible year of having to sing Happy Birthday to myself while laughing sadly at the mirror. I have passed my prime, reached the peak of my youth and the only way to go now is down.

I got myself a handful of birthday wishes, sure – from HSBC, Digi, Prudential, Volvo, etc. No real person however seemed to notice.

My own assessment was that my life had not been going the way I wanted it. Although financially I am currently OK, and not too far off my target, in everything else I feel like a complete failure. My career ain’t going nowhere, social life is non-existence and family life is a pain.

At 35, I was supposed to have made my million (lost it, although now almost back there), married with two kids (not happening at all), drive a bimmer (I got a Volvo), taking care of my parents (never did), live in the city (yes), managerial post (yes), have a business (no, unless house rental is considered a business). Overall though, I would give myself a 60% mark.

The past few days had been very very tough. The loneliness and anxiety were unbearable to the point of almost being suicidal. I kept getting up in the middle of the night with so many negative and pessimistic emotions it was a total nightmare.
Things were better at daytime, although it wasn’t rosy. I kept trying to pep myself up, and told myself not to give up. I realised that I needed to go out more, but there was just nowhere to go and no one see. There were long weekends and a couple of public holidays recently and they just made me extremely depressed for not being able to enjoy them. It was tiresome having to do so many things on your own from laundry to cooking to housecleaning to car washing, and then having to eat and go out on your own. Even coming to work felt enjoyable as at least there were people to speak to, and women to ogle at.

I tried my best not to stay at home and repeated my goal of ‘scouring the world for the perfect girl’. I walked in shopping malls trying hard to put on a smile, and to try to speak to some salesgirls but it wasn’t easy. The malls were always busy and everyone was always busy. It was tiring, embarrassing and frustrating but I really didn’t know what else I could do.

Surely there must be someone out there, but im starting to doubt my approach to this. It feels like im shopping for a wife – the same way I scouted for months to find my abode, then a few more months selecting a car. Can’t find a better way though.