My five-year plan

On 23 May 2016 I shall have:

1. A good wife and two beautiful children
2. A house with a garden
3. A continental SUV
4. A net worth of at least RM 1 mil, excluding principal home
5. A running business
6. A monthly salary of at least RM 20,000 (if still employed)
7. A golf club membership
8. been able to read newspapers and books in Chinese
9. Travelled to London, Paris and New York
10.A full or part-time MBA
11. A six-pack and well-developed toned muscles

Why I am Depressed

The new year holidays went and it didn't mean a thing to me.
Almost like i didn't cross over to the new year, and that time stopped for a few days.

I stayed home almost all the time, only going out to get some food. Surfed the net, learnt chinese lyrics and skyped with women in china.

Meaningless crap really just trying hard to forget my troubles. Anxiety about family and especially Pa were never far from my mind.

The first two days were the hardest, it felt so cold and lonely. Felt like i was moving around with a cloud of anger, frustration, extreme guilt and sorrow engulfing my head. It was difficult to sleep, digest my food, watch the tv or do anything without my mind being beseiged by problems. The major issues were guilt for leaving home, and not having done anyhting for my parents for so long; and stupis shits at work.

I am a miserable depressive loner.

Sources of my depression:

1. Unstable, unhappy job
2. Family communication problem
3. No friends
4. Sexual Frustration
5. Driving and Old Junk

Horoscope Watch

The thing with chinese horoscopes is i find thme always rather accurate. Not sure if some self-prophesy is invloved both the are never far off from what actually happens. Lets' look at the 2010 prophesies:

1. A year of change and uncertainty
- True

2. No Money luck (but some say rosy). Money comes from salary that requires tremendous effort.
- Very true

3. No peach blossom
- i got, i think 3 good women interested in me but i ain't interested in them at all.

4. Will benefit if work as a team rather then ging it alone
- i tried teamwork but decided to go it alone and suffered

5. One unlucky Star in health. Signs of accident and hospitalisation
- not true

6. Involvement in home projects, renovation, etc
- so much time apent on scouting, purchasing, moving, decorating, renovating my home.

7. Generally a fair - good year.
- i guess so

So what does it say for 2011?

1. More secure, balanced and steady year. Might get restless of the slow pace.
2. Money luck improves. Some unexpected windfall. Good for investment
3. Chance for travel
4. Laying foundations for the coming year
5. Peach blossom luck
6. Prone to melancholy
7. Genearally good-very good year

Shortest New Year

This has got to be the shortest new year I ever had.

A day before the eve, i had a chat with a colleague in the office - initially to congratulate her on her promotion. She however told me abour some poison kolou told the chairman about me, and about how he has been complaining about my supposedly 'very high' salary. That, coupled with my own despair at the low bonus and ridiculous increment, and the strange meeting i had with the chairman who completely ignored me, totally screwed up my mind.

For days the fear and negativity refused to leave me, giving me sleepless nigths and completely ruin my new year.

I waited until the last minute and arrived home for the eve dinner. As usual i didn't speak a word, felt very comfortable and quickly finished my meal. Both my bros arrived late so i didnt get to see them. There was uncle, two cousins, sis and her daughter. After dinner i went to fetch a glass of water but in my haste, dropped and broke the glass. Ma looked a liitle concerned, but brushed it all off. I felt even more awkward because of this and left to hide in the new house.

I turned on all the lights and put on some Teresa Teng, then just lay about reading a book.

I felt bad, really bad but tried to brush them all off.
After some sms'ing of new year wishes i went to sleep just before midnight.

New year morning, I woke up and had a shower. Bro was up and wanted me to take him to the house. It was a beautiful, cool morning. I had my breakfast with Pa and Ma, then sis and his family came. I felt crowded in and decided to take a drive. Everyone started asking if i was leaving so i thought, hey why not? I just drove all the way back to the city.

I seriously didn't know what to do, what to say, where to sit, etc. I realised on the drive home that this had been a great opportunity for me to connect with my family - dad being so old already but i couldn't find anything to say. I could have taken the chance to improve my communications and relationship with them, that can perhaps help me forget about the nonsense at work, but i didnt know how to do it. I understand that my family is a thousand times more important then whatever work i have been doing at any particular time, but my mind is just so screwed up. I felt like a thik cloud of negativity is swirling around my head and i just couldn't shake it off. Is this depression?

I feel stifled, awkward and even physically sick when i spend more than a few minutes with my family.

Back in my apartment I watched the tv and missed home. it felt very cold and lonely. I felt like that i was imprisoning myself, acted irresponsibly and being selfish, childish - further destroying my already poor relationship with my family and risking scorn for the rest of my life. My parents are gonna be deeply hurt, my siblings wrathfully angry by my act.

If this was the shape of things to come for the coming year then it doesn't look good at all.