The Biggest Purchase

Today I made the biggest purchase of my life. Not including mortgages.

It was a blisteringly hot day. I woke up early as usual, had my breakfast at the d. prima mamak. Then i drove all the way, in the company pick-up, to swedish marquee at sg. besi. i missed a number of turns but finally got to the place and was glad to see it was open. i wanted to have a final confirmation on the best discount i could find, and also check for colour variants. nobody there greeted me. i looked at the new s60, and the s40 was nowhere in sight. i sat and waited for a while but nobody came to me, so i left. there were probably too few salesperson in the morning.

i drove to the office to send the pick-up, along the way interrupted by liew on the phone regarding our worker's employment.

i sent the pick-up to the carwash nearby and walked to the office, it was about 11. sat for a while, shat then went back to wait and pick up the vehicle at the carwash. decided to hit the gym first and did so, for about 40 minutes. had my lunch at the nearby steakhouse. it was a really hot day.

i wanted to check with glenmarie, my first choice of place to buy and hopefully coud meet cindy the lady who gave me a good discount not too long ago. she was however nowhere around, and i hadnt seen her since that day anyway. a young pleasant dude entertained me but he wasnt willing to give more discounts.

In step kylie. she introduced herself and only then did i realise that i had met her there before, as a pregnant woman last year. i told her she looked different and '10 years younger' and that must have done it. indeed she looked fantastic and glowing.

before long, she told the young dude to step aside and started dominating the converstion. not hard to imagine that she was the 'top performer there for 5 years running' as she claimed. she gave me prety much the same top discount i could get anywhere, since i have checked almost all the branches. but there was no doubt that it was only her i would want to deal with - a nice and i have to admit, good-looking young woman. i got back to the office to fetch some documents and after some formality, signed on the dotted line. Just like that. a depreciating piece of metal that will enslave me for the next seven years. but she is a beauty.

i had loved this car since i saw and tested it almost a year ago, and it just wouldn't escape my mind.

Arrows in my heart

Everything is getting to me… I seem to be angry at everything and everyone around me, sometimes making it very difficult for me to function.

I have had to spend a lot of time calming down, for fear of getting a stroke. I have had lost my temper on the phone, at the restaurants, in the car at the slightest delay and slightest provocation. The other day I was screaming mad on the phone and needed some time to cool down. Not too long after that I went to have a friendly chat with someone and actually felt like I was going to faint. The next day I stood up to an insolent Bangla waiter and for a moment wanted to actually harm him, before walking away. I am really fearful of getting a stroke, or getting involved in a fight or actually getting beat up.

I keep having this rush of blood, some ringing in my ears and sometimes headaches and difficulty breathing.

Most mornings my heart just feels so heavy. Not a single day passes without the thoughts about my parents and how lonely they appear. So many dreams about them dying, that I have even started disbelieving them in my own dreams.
The uncertainty about the job, and overall career, as well as the panic of perhaps never being able to have a good relationship is overwhelming.

There is this new girl I fancy at the office, cute as a button, innocent and soft although not exactly gorgeous. Was thinking of observing her, and finding the perfect time to act, but couldn’t gather enough courage nor reason to speak to her. Then she suddenly has someone and seeing the two of them together in the office just made me sick. She doesn’t appear like someone whom would go for a man like me (and vice versa) but for some reason I just like her. And she is the only one I fancy at the moment.

I need time to rebuild, but this has taken too long, and time moves like a jetplane. I still dont know where im going or what i want to do.

Everything is killing me. There’s just too much uncertainty – jobs, future, sibling, aging parents. Pa is old, not as sprightly as before and speaking like he wont be around for too long. The nightmare question that has been playing in my head for some years now is : what is going to happen to ma once pa is no more? Who is going to look after her? No one seems to want her and being the eldest by default I have to take her with me. That will just wreck my already fragile life.