Shifting Cynicism

Friday, November 19, 2004

lost in the sea of uncertainties

wherever the lord desires me to be, that's where i shall dwell.

the kind of sayings i would tell to console myself if i were some religous dork. but sadly no, the name says pagan.

at my wit's end about what to do here, i'm getting incredibly frustrated and depressed. frankly i don't really remember ever feeling this restless. i feel trapped inside a well i chose to jump into.

so i guess i don't have a perfect life, but this is really agonising. i feel really hopeless - i ain't got what it takes to make it, i never am gonna find someone and i just don't know how to pass the time each day.

the early elation of landing this new job has worn off, it really doesn't change much. i thought it would be a turning point, a ship coming in, but it was just another of those transitions that turn out to be hollow. although i'm in a better position than my previous nightmare, it still isn't rosy, i'm still feeling empty and unfulfilled.

should we re-organise our plans? abandon all these greed and desire to be financially dependent which are taking so much of happiness out of life? grow up, settle down and establish a 9 to 5 routine til the day we fucking die? be less ambitious and more realistic about our capabilities?

where do we go now?

i feel sick of this.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

meaningless

how marvellous! how wonderful! i carry water, i cut wood!
- zen layman (tang dynasty)

don't you wish you could have that kind of an outlook on life?

learning to live with boredom and loneliness is indeed excruciating.....

the holidays have dragged on for four days and believe it or not, i keep wishing that it would be over soon. the shops are closed, the roads are empty, everyone seems to be away, everything is quiet and it's making me lose my mind.

i come to the office early in the morning trying to write some reports but everything feel sluggish. when i go back home there is no one and nothing to do. i have to sleep early at night just to kill off this pain of loneliness.

friday night cy came over, and suggested some boozing. we hooked up with fat dan and rounded up four joints - marcopolo, netalive, hometown (that hated hole), before i finally suggested sungaimas. we had three nice tator girls frolicking with us in that shifty joint - mine was the hottest - we had some great fun, i got slightly fucked up and left at 4:30.

just the kind of meaningless shit i've been trying to stay away from, but in the end i carded a few hundred bucks down the drain, started puffing again like a chimney and woke up the next day with a fucking horrible hangover. fortunately two of the girls refused my invitation to take them home, otherwise i'd end up dirtying my dick again only to regret it and keep worrying about aids.

ah fuck...! great fun yeah, but meaningless empty hollow shit. just like my tragic life.

bussiness plans are not moving... not fucking moving!

from the short conversation with ray the other day, it seemed the old man is no longer pushing to push my share application. the mb venture with tony seems too far-fetched, the mushroom plant is practically history, and the longjack idea seems ridiculuous and illegal.

looks like i'll be stuck here for a while..

what atrocious sin have i commited, god?



Friday, November 12, 2004

sabah does NOT belong to filthy filipinos

here’s a website i found interesting http://www.sandakan.com/
also http://www.nzz.ch/english/background/background2000/background0001/bg000122sabah.html

the phillipine government is again stirring up issues about their claim on sabah, which they also call the phillipine north borneo, with sandakan (of all places) as its capital.

i suppose the whole issue surfaced again in light of the recent findings of oil fields off the coast of sabah – coffeeshop rumours here have it that the underground reserve were bigger than that of Kuwait. sounds rather farcical, but if one were to look at the oil reserves of neighbouring Brunei, which is only about one-fifth of sabah’s size, the gossip doesn’t seem too far-fetched.

i’m rather impartial on this issue – if really sabah belonged to the phillipines i’d be happy to see it under the republic’s flag, but the fact seems to suggests that well, they don’t have a case. in fact, i couldn’t help laughing reading most of the over-emotional and shady articles on the website.

while it maybe true that malaysia still pays a laughable 5,300 ringgit as an annual rent for sabah, nobody cared to mention the original agreement between the very astute sultan of sulu (jolo) and some colonial pigs which stated that the 'lease' (padjak) was to last ‘for as long as the moon and the sun exist’, and was later turned into a 'cession' by one alfred dent.

besides, who the fuck gives two hoots about the sultan of sulu? even his claim on the throne is questionable. the incompetent bastard rules over an imaginary kingdom which has ceased to exist. he and his motherfucking cronies are nothing but idiotic trouble-makers who spawn morons like the abu sayaff and nur misuari of the moro national liberation front.

the mnlf want to raise arms against malaysia? one will be inclined to suspect that most of their arms actually come from the aid of malaysia itself, whose government secretly protect them for one reason or another. i’ve heard of certain ‘restricted’ island around sandakan which secretly harbour these terrorists under special arrangement with the malaysian government, and believe it to be true. the marcos government in 1972 secretly trained the moro’s muslim army for possible intrusion into sabah but what happened? they mutinied and all but one of them was executed in what came to be known as the ‘jabidah massacre’.

a few reports on the rape of filipino detainees on the website also appeared doubtful and shifty. it said the women were brought ‘upstairs’ by the tawau police for their dastardly act, but i know where the detention centre (locals call it the ‘penampungan’) in tawau is, and it only has a ground floor. maybe it did happen, elsewhere perhaps – corrupt despicable dogs are not uncommon in the police force but one thing is for sure as far as i’m concerned – it’s nearly impossible to find young filipino women in tawau or sandakan who’s not a whore or a bargirl or a masseuse.

articles from the phillipines kept mentioning the 'tausugs' and 'samals' and 'bajaus' as the peoples of sabah. both malaysia and the phillipines are reluctant to claim these landless people as their own but my perception of them is that they are clearly filipinos in appearence, languange and culture. in any case, they are not the majority - the kadazans, dusuns and muruts are the true indigenuous peoples of sabah and it is their view on the fate of sabah that should really matter.

whatever it is, no sabahan in his right mind would ever want to have anything to do with the phillipines, let alone join them. malaysia may not be perfect, government officials are corrupt and the laws are discriminatory, but look at the phillipines for god’s sake. look at zamboanga and mindanao and all those pirate islands around them. it really is no surprise why sabahans have such strong negative perceptions on filipinos – just mention the word and she how they cringe, or shrug their shoulders in disgust. my personal estimate would be that almost 60% of the crimes in the state are commited by these rascals, with another 30% by fucking indonesian immigrants. i’m not saying that the sabahans are angels but to be completely honest, i’ve been very impressed by their friendliness and easy-going nature ever since i landed on these shores. without these aliens, the state would be practically crime-free.

this will sound offensive to filipinos elsewhere, but the general view of the average sabahan on filipinos is this – the males are thieves and murderers, the women whores and the children dirty harassing street urchins.

although i detest the federal government effort to strengthen its influence (and muslim culture) on sabah - particularly in recent years, i don’t think anybody could argue that she’d be better off being part of the phillipines. if there were to be any referendum again to choose between joining malaysia or the phillipines, the result i believe would be unanimous.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

whoretown

the whores were out early ...

u'd see the everywhere - hanging round the phone booths, walking in their tight jeans and cheap make-ups. they looked just like any other tropical teenage girls, students and supermarket cashiers and restaurant helpers but they don't fool me these sleaze insects. whoredom - fuck it- is commonplace in this cunty town.

they knew the men would be out - lonely desperate fuckers looking for some ways to kill time and release this incredible urge torturing their every existence. it was the night before a public holiday and these poor working souls were looking forward to getting stoned and getting laid some way or another.

but i wasn't going to fall prey to them again, no way. went home and slept early.

the maid was in early as well this morning - i thought she wouldn't show up, this being a holiday. the lady's testing my patience really, she didn't seem to put much effort in her cooking and i just couldn't eat the crap she prepares everyday. she does her work quickly everyday in order to leave early, and she speaks to me like i'm a young boy. she asked for some cash advance again - i didn't like it - but just handed over the money like an ATM. Raya is coming and she might need some help, i thought, we deal with the other things later.

things have been quite hard lately - the loneliness has started to really get into me. i have not communicated with anyone at all in the past one week or so. i just go to the office and sit around passing time - i haven't hired a clerk and i haven't be able to get a cleaner - so it was just me doing nothing much. at night i get really stressed out for not knowing what to do - there is nothing on tv, i can't read a book without falling asleep and there is absolutely nothing in this town that interests me to make me want to go out.

i have no mood to call anyone, and the only calls i ever got were from penny - which i didn't bother to answer. that silly girl annoys me, to be honest.

at times i drive around town and it just made me sick. the repeating old question of 'how the fuck did u end up here?' keep disturbing me. i look at the people walking by, and i have no love for them. i still feel like an outsider, not only legally but also psychologically. i'm sick of trying to make new friends, of having to speak chinese which i'm never good at, of needing to justify why i'm here, and to explain why i'm such a loser for still being single at this age. all i'm interested is getting some bussiness running, to rip-off the money from all these fuckers, and then i'll just leave...

"the voyage is cursed! we set sail for greed. god has abandoned us!"

and our bussiness plans are not fucking moving at all.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Again

i need something to do...

i need a place to ramble on...

so this is where i'm gonna start - again - welcome to the narcissictis journey of my self-centred yet inconsequential existence.

whenever i start blogging the words fizzle out after a few lines. i can't write a decent paragraph. damn. everything i've ever written appeared like complete rubbish which make my stomach sick on reading them again. and i always have to feel apologetic in doing something that is more for the amusement of teenagers, of having to describe my life which is often dull, stupid and perhaps even- tragic. punching letters that do not matter to any goddamn soul in the entire universe, while secretly hoping that someone might find them interesting, or unique, or even worthwhile.

i'm still roaming, wandering around with what little courage i have inside - it still seems like i'm searching for something, yet deep inside i know everything is just a lame attempt at justifying the hollow and meaninglessness of it all.