Mixed Emotions

The car gives me mixed feelings.

On the one hand, I love the way it looks, the driving is fantastic, the stereo is superb. On the other, it keeps reminding me of what a big use of money she is. The installment alone is 1700, even after a hefty downpayment of more than 40k. petrol consumption is definitely higher, and I shudder to think about how much the maintenance is gonna cost me. She also tends to restrict my freedom, as I worry about parking her out of sight, and worry about her being seen by fellow colleagues.

Work is not getting better. The work is definitely much less now, but it doesn’t provide any comfort at all. If anything it makes me feel redundant and ignored. Many more people have left the company, and I am particularly sad that chris and LP are also leaving. I never have many friends here, and even the few people I know have begun to leave.

The job feels meaningless, lacking prospect and very lonely. But at least the pay is alright. Nevertheless I have begun to explore opportunities so it might mean having to change again.

Stayed home on weekends, no friend, no woman, no target. That account girl is showing interest I think, but im not too sure anymore. And its too awkward and risky making my move in the office.

I’ve achieved some of the things I dreamed about for so long – a job in the city, a city apartment (the view is definitely a bonus) and a nice car. They don’t appear like lofty goals now but for the longest time they were my utmost desires. However that worst case scenario – of being home alone at 35 strumming my guitar looks a definite possibility with less than a month to go.

Perfect Me-day

i had a pretty perfect day.

started the night before with a wonderful dream. i lived in a huge house in some foreign land. behind my house was a simple, storeyed wooden house and in it live a girl (and her family). late twenties, tall, chinese, short-cropped hair,educated. she showed interest in me and i felt like finally, yes, i have found her. sent her home in the evening and she invited me for some coffee, what a sweetie. she called again the next day 'wud u want to see some girls?' her name was christine.

woke up in the morning, feeling great. i had taken a day-off and decided to make this a 'me-day'. drove to the income tax office in my new volvo to check my overdue balance. still around 23k. told the clerk that 19k was not supposed to be there and she gave me some forms to fill to appeal for it to be removed. hope everything will go well.

went to kelana jaya to that car accesory shop, picked up a few things and then drove to mid valley for some shopping. got rather tired and drove home around 2 pm.

took an afternoon nap, and it was great for some reason. i woke up with a great feeling of peace i had not felt in a long, long time. i have a great house, a nice car, a god-paying job, strong body, healthy parents. at this moment in time i felt like evrything was perfect - except for a woman of course - but ive never had a problem being alone. never mind what tomorrow could bring, in that particular moment everything was just perfect.

i thought of going to the range, but it was hot and i was kinda tired, so i just drive to the curve to shop for some things for the car.

a simple 'me-day' and it was perfect.

Standing Up

Been fidgeting about the day. Couldn’t sleep the night before, there was a fire on the lower floor around midnight (sat) and the fire engine had to come and break into the unit. Watching the whole thing from the ground floor, among the small crowd of other occupants made me feel so lonely.

I was hoping for a bright sunny day, but the morning was cloudy. It felt like a big day, like i was about to receive my bride so i wanted the day to be perfect. Definitely not raining, or the kind of brooding all-day-drizzle that i experienced moving to a rented apartment in manila not too long ago. within a month i had lost my job and had to leave manila for good. there was some joy, a feeling of moving a step up, but also lots of anxiety about higher commitments and whether i had made a good choice.

cooked my breakfast, was hoping for a deluge of phone calls since we advertised for a position at the project site, but only a handful came. time moved too slowly, i spent it filing my tax returns and then went out for some grocery shopping. there was still time so i drove around D Heights going nowehere in particular. the sky was dark, but there were bouts of sunshine here and there - sort of giving me some hope.

at 11 as scheduled i drove to the dealership. just as i almost reched there i felt a sense of sadness having to part with this old car. i remember buying it for my dad, he drove it out of the dealership before and he really took good care of it. suddenly i remembered to never have taken any picture of her, and it wrecked my gut.

it had then started to drizzle. i did the formalities and gave out the car keys for a trade-in and before long drove the car home. 58.8km on the mileage. i felt it was small, although the handling was definitley sturdier. nothing particularly impressive or cool about her but i had made my choice.

the weather was just like what i was fearing, and it drizzled, rained or remained cloudy for almost the entire day. i went home to cook my lunch, took a nap and watched ladies golf. the rain stopped for a while,and i decided to take a walk towards the office and see how far i could go. it turned out to be a lovely, quiet walk through ara d. took a cab halfway and reached the office to collect the pick-up.

thought of driving her out but it continued raining at night. she marked the end of my previous trouble, my 'hiroshima' of losing a job, and having my life changed drastically. i have managed to stand up again. hoping for the best from now on.