Teresa in my Dreams

Teresa Teng had been on the airwaves for as long as anyone can remember, many of her songs have become part of everyone’s consciousness in these parts of the world.

In conjunction with the 16th anniversary of her death, a TV channel ran some documentaries and concerts of her. This was when I started to listen closely to her songs and became curious of this Chinese legend.

Suddenly I started getting extremely sentimental about this amazing person.

In these trying times of extreme loneliness, Teresa had taken over my heart and mind in ways I found hard to believe. I kept thinking about her day and night, especially at night when I got overly sad and concerned about her in my sleep. Her songs started playing over and over again in my head one by one, and not a day goes by if I don’t surf for some info or pictures of her, listen to her songs or load that DVD of her videos.

She was exactly what an oriental woman should be, an absolute representation of the Chinese ideal. The looks, the captivating smile, the grace, demeanour, the mesmerizing voice, the tender innocence, the warm sincerity and impeccable manners were like anything that I had ever beheld. I doubt if any Chinese person anywhere in the world could see or listen to her and not feel touched by her presence. She must had been loved by everyone of all ages. Even by today standards, looking at her 70’s and 80’s fashion and style she appeared astonishing, I couldn’t imagine how it would have been back when she was alive. She was extraordinarily pretty, yet had a girl-next-door disposition and you’d feel like she was part of your family or your life. She was a real angel, and it really haunted me to know that she didn’t live a particularly perfect life.

She died rather tragically while vacationing in Thailand with her ‘French boyfriend?’. Reputedly naked and sprawled in some hotel, with pictures supposedly published by the Thai media. She was unmarried, childless and 42 years of age. I couldn’t find too many info on her private life, just some stories about how she was in love with Jackie Chan once, but big-nosed was a player and impregnated one of the many celebrities he was sleeping with and had to marry that girl. Probably explained why Jackie seems to dislike his son so much.

It was the few videos of her expressing sincerely her desire to settle down and live a quiet life but ‘not being able to find a boyfriend yet’ that really broke my heart. How could someone so divine, loved by everyone and had everything going for her be denied the one thing that truly matters. It was really tragic I prayed and hoped that she is really resting in peace.

Over the Hill

Well if dreams can come true, so can nightmares. The tragic day came and went. Another horrible year of having to sing Happy Birthday to myself while laughing sadly at the mirror. I have passed my prime, reached the peak of my youth and the only way to go now is down.

I got myself a handful of birthday wishes, sure – from HSBC, Digi, Prudential, Volvo, etc. No real person however seemed to notice.

My own assessment was that my life had not been going the way I wanted it. Although financially I am currently OK, and not too far off my target, in everything else I feel like a complete failure. My career ain’t going nowhere, social life is non-existence and family life is a pain.

At 35, I was supposed to have made my million (lost it, although now almost back there), married with two kids (not happening at all), drive a bimmer (I got a Volvo), taking care of my parents (never did), live in the city (yes), managerial post (yes), have a business (no, unless house rental is considered a business). Overall though, I would give myself a 60% mark.

The past few days had been very very tough. The loneliness and anxiety were unbearable to the point of almost being suicidal. I kept getting up in the middle of the night with so many negative and pessimistic emotions it was a total nightmare.
Things were better at daytime, although it wasn’t rosy. I kept trying to pep myself up, and told myself not to give up. I realised that I needed to go out more, but there was just nowhere to go and no one see. There were long weekends and a couple of public holidays recently and they just made me extremely depressed for not being able to enjoy them. It was tiresome having to do so many things on your own from laundry to cooking to housecleaning to car washing, and then having to eat and go out on your own. Even coming to work felt enjoyable as at least there were people to speak to, and women to ogle at.

I tried my best not to stay at home and repeated my goal of ‘scouring the world for the perfect girl’. I walked in shopping malls trying hard to put on a smile, and to try to speak to some salesgirls but it wasn’t easy. The malls were always busy and everyone was always busy. It was tiring, embarrassing and frustrating but I really didn’t know what else I could do.

Surely there must be someone out there, but im starting to doubt my approach to this. It feels like im shopping for a wife – the same way I scouted for months to find my abode, then a few more months selecting a car. Can’t find a better way though.

The Tragic Threshold

will there be a way out of this, ever?

my busy weekends trying to put my life in order had turned into extremely lonely weekends. i had nothing to, nowhere to go and it sometimes feel very hard to continue.

negative feelings are all around. i feel guilty bout my old parents living all alone, and i know they would like to see me more often, but i just couldn't bear to spend any time with them. i keep feeling this anger and hatred for my family, particularly my bro who is planning his migration. he needs to sell the house, i prefer to keep it and now i dont see any way to get out of this deadlock. for years now he'd been mocking my pathetic life, and flaunting his so-called wealth and acting fucking patronising it just burns me with anger.

its very tiring living alone, i have to wash, cook or have dinner all alone. shopping or doing anything is embarassing all alone. a few times i have tried to go out and walk around shopping malls in the hope of finding someone but the crowd, and the embarassment just made me so angry.

life just feels meaningless and so hard.

the tragic date is coming and i have to cross the threshold to old age all alone, with no hope for a companion or a dream future.